As we age, our body wears down; our appearances changes; and the way we deal with our everyday lives depended on how we take on it… lifestyle I guess. But is there really something we call “unexpected” if in every possible steps we do, we worry; and if in every words we say, we stay cautious. Now, what about this: considered that all your life you’d been struggling so hard… afterward someone you don’t know will just figured out that you are dying, how hopeless is that then?
I took on this year with a lot of skepticism… I resigned on my high-paying job to get back on the life I had before that not knowing if I’ll able to pursue the same standards and qualification, and even the privileges, recognition, and benefits that my old position offered me for a year. I changed my perspective in life and planned an even higher stake for my life. I went from simple dreams that I hoped for almost all of my life then quickly took it out and replaced it with some whimsical possibilities of having a new life somewhere else, going abroad and living the life in just a matter of days and months. Is this what we call an early on-set life crisis? Or can I guess that this is just because of boredom and seclusion from a lot of things for a very long time?
It is now almost five months since I came back; had a consulting project with a reputable company; celebrated with friends; and sent thoughtful gifts to my family. That was then… already a past tense. Now, what can I tell you… or maybe, how should I tell you? Is there any way to tell someone that you are afraid of letting go of your life even you accepted the fact of death for a very long time? And maybe, I did not prepared enough for this… and yes, I am afraid. My father was just diagnosed with leukemia. It sounded so hard to think but not so complex to accept. He lived a very unhealthy life, he smoked, sometimes he’s an alcoholic, he depended on fake facts of reality… so it never made it hard for me to realize if there’s any possibilities of he getting that disease. Am I afraid of letting him go? I am not. I am prepared… emotionally. I promised not to cry when that day comes.
Remission… that’s what my family and I should be praying for. For my father to get well and get-out of that situation. But in this time, maybe that’s not what we should do. I miss “before”. I miss my childhood. I miss every morning when I quarrel with my sister on who’s taking care of our younger siblings and who’s going to take-on the chores. I miss how our parents treat us on a restaurant every weekend and also going to church with them on Sunday. I miss going to school when my father sends me off. I miss every night when I make a hot cup of coffee for my mother. I miss singing my younger brothers to sleep. I miss having my whole family under one roof. I miss myself… a happily and genuinely smiling me.
When I was a child I though that when I grew old fast and take on an adult’s obligations and responsibilities, it will make me feel better and proud of myself… that’s quite true. But I never expected that it would be so tiring, sad, and lonely like this. Perhaps, life has its own compromise then. And as I did not expect that fact on my life, sometime, it is also hard to let go. Everyday, if talking about my present, every waking moment I put myself on silence before taking a whole another day of silence as well. After opening my eyes and gazing out my window to see if it is sun-shiny or wintry-cold outside, I start to feed myself with yesterdays’ events and start to think of how should I recover from those for this day. Everyday… every morning… I continuously convince myself… that everything and everyone has its own time.
Am I afraid of letting everyone go? I am not.
I am afraid of letting mine go.
My father has leukemia… and subsequently, I might get the same fate in the future.
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