REMISSION

                As we age, our body wears down; our appearances changes; and the way we deal with our everyday lives depended on how we take on it… lifestyle I guess. But is there really something we call “unexpected” if in every possible steps we do, we worry; and if in every words we say, we stay cautious. Now, what about this: considered that all your life you’d been struggling so hard… afterward someone you don’t know will just figured out that you are dying, how hopeless is that then?

                I took on this year with a lot of skepticism… I resigned on my high-paying job to get back on the life I had before that not knowing if I’ll able to pursue the same standards and qualification, and even the privileges, recognition, and benefits that my old position offered me for a year. I changed my perspective in life and planned an even higher stake for my life. I went from simple dreams that I hoped for almost all of my life then quickly took it out and replaced it with some whimsical possibilities of having a new life somewhere else, going abroad and living the life in just a matter of days and months. Is this what we call an early on-set life crisis? Or can I guess that this is just because of boredom and seclusion from a lot of things for a very long time?

                It is now almost five months since I came back; had a consulting project with a reputable company; celebrated with friends; and sent thoughtful gifts to my family. That was then… already a past tense. Now, what can I tell you… or maybe, how should I tell you? Is there any way to tell someone that you are afraid of letting go of your life even you accepted the fact of death for a very long time? And maybe, I did not prepared enough for this… and yes, I am afraid. My father was just diagnosed with leukemia. It sounded so hard to think but not so complex to accept. He lived a very unhealthy life, he smoked, sometimes he’s an alcoholic, he depended on fake facts of reality… so it never made it hard for me to realize if there’s any possibilities of he getting that disease. Am I afraid of letting him go? I am not. I am prepared… emotionally. I promised not to cry when that day comes.

                Remission… that’s what my family and I should be praying for. For my father to get well and get-out of that situation. But in this time, maybe that’s not what we should do. I miss “before”. I miss my childhood. I miss every morning when I quarrel with my sister on who’s taking care of our younger siblings and who’s going to take-on the chores. I miss how our parents treat us on a restaurant every weekend and also going to church with them on Sunday. I miss going to school when my father sends me off. I miss every night when I make a hot cup of coffee for my mother. I miss singing my younger brothers to sleep. I miss having my whole family under one roof. I miss myself… a happily and genuinely smiling me.

                When I was a child I though that when I grew old fast and take on an adult’s obligations and responsibilities, it will make me feel better and proud of myself… that’s quite true. But I never expected that it would be so tiring, sad, and lonely like this. Perhaps, life has its own compromise then. And as I did not expect that fact on my life, sometime, it is also hard to let go. Everyday, if talking about my present, every waking moment I put myself on silence before taking a whole another day of silence as well. After opening my eyes and gazing out my window to see if it is sun-shiny or wintry-cold outside, I start to feed myself with yesterdays’ events and start to think of how should I recover from those for this day. Everyday… every morning… I continuously convince myself… that everything and everyone has its own time.

                Am I afraid of letting everyone go? I am not.

                I am afraid of letting mine go.

                My father has leukemia… and subsequently, I might get the same fate in the future.

                Remission… that’s what I pray for.

CHICKEN OR EGG: WHICH COMES FIRST???

On these days wherein I found myself jobless and restless at the same time, I always do have a hard time figuring which comes first… is it myself before others or I should go on being a masochist and let be the sacrificial lamb for everyone’s sake? Which comes first… is it the chicken who lays the eggs or the eggs that hatches to become chickens?

When I was younger… in my grade school days, I never had any chance having this kind of doubt. I believed on what majority of us will do: “Go on… carry out someone’s baggage and help him out.” or “Helping is the most noble thing there is.” So I go on living, believing that it is better of a human giving himself more than taking something for himself instead. Then, I grew older and I saw more out of life. The world grew bigger as I increased my height and things changed so fast as I changed pace too. But it has been always the same belief for me ever since… nothing has changed at all. I kept myself blinded from the truth that not everyone looks after the other. I passed through my high school days being bullied and I myself was guilty on bullying some others as well, for fun, pride, and territory I guess. Then I went to college and experienced more things about life. I learned to play around like everyone does in my university… but I can’t stand a chance. I am not built for that kind of humanity. So I decided to take on a bigger world… I skip my bachelor’s degree to acquire a fast-paced learning and thrive on to something I really wanted to do. From these months I was on training and studying and working my way up… still I found exactly the same things. Why is it like that? People tend to fake themselves. They keep on telling and convincing others, and even themselves, that it is only just to offer a helping hand. But in reality, they wouldn’t even think about this when they are on that situation.

Then four years ago, I started out on my career as a Chef. And there, in that world--the reality, I so to speak, I saw how cruel the world could be… and maybe that is just an understatement. So many people don’t care anymore or maybe they really do not care at all. So I’ve decided to lure myself on things I just wanted to see and convinced myself on the things what I’ve been believing ever since. Then and there, I stopped doubting at last. I continued doing good to people. I’ve carried out some of their bad days and stayed with them until it passes out. I pulled along the heavy burden some of them bears and walk with them until everything felt light. And then after carrying out most of people ‘s baggage and stuff with me and helping them out… there I found myself from the past years of my life looking up the sky and wondering, “Who’s going to carry out my luggage for me?”

Most of the time, I do feel better after helping someone out of misery… and that is pretty normal I guess. The feeling is triumphant after making someone smile at last. And even if I’m out of the radar and I don’t know what’s going on… it is just very surprising when people I know stare at me and shot me with that kind of look that makes my heart quiver… and there I found myself in the scene. I always do this… and I can’t avoid it. I tried to refuse sometimes but it felt so hard to do. Which comes first now?

Then from the past few months, I thought I am having a really good year already. But it wasn’t, reversals of fortunes is an unprecedented card in my game. I did equal amounts of good things and bad things to people and myself. I don’t deny it; I didn’t feel lesser admitting it. My long-running belief that “it is better to give than to receive” is just a sham. I worked so hard, earned some stuff, took some privileges out of life and helped out people along my way. Misfortunes happen… then and there I found myself so left behind from everyone. What went wrong this time? Have not I helped enough people or the piece of bread I shared to few individuals didn’t suffice their hunger? Or have not I loved myself more that I give away all of me to every people I decided to offer myself with? This is confusing me already. I am not for the reward, the acknowledgements, or anything in return… but I do hope for a good karma by the way. The thing is, right now, it felt so unfair already. You’d given yourself… you’d loved yourself… you did “equal” amounts of things from good and bad, but still, you are going back to that same place where you see what you saw when you was on grade school.

Now… I am going to ask you, which comes first? Chicken or egg?