On these days wherein I found myself jobless and restless at the same time, I always do have a hard time figuring which comes first… is it myself before others or I should go on being a masochist and let be the sacrificial lamb for everyone’s sake? Which comes first… is it the chicken who lays the eggs or the eggs that hatches to become chickens?
When I was younger… in my grade school days, I never had any chance having this kind of doubt. I believed on what majority of us will do: “Go on… carry out someone’s baggage and help him out.” or “Helping is the most noble thing there is.” So I go on living, believing that it is better of a human giving himself more than taking something for himself instead. Then, I grew older and I saw more out of life. The world grew bigger as I increased my height and things changed so fast as I changed pace too. But it has been always the same belief for me ever since… nothing has changed at all. I kept myself blinded from the truth that not everyone looks after the other. I passed through my high school days being bullied and I myself was guilty on bullying some others as well, for fun, pride, and territory I guess. Then I went to college and experienced more things about life. I learned to play around like everyone does in my university… but I can’t stand a chance. I am not built for that kind of humanity. So I decided to take on a bigger world… I skip my bachelor’s degree to acquire a fast-paced learning and thrive on to something I really wanted to do. From these months I was on training and studying and working my way up… still I found exactly the same things. Why is it like that? People tend to fake themselves. They keep on telling and convincing others, and even themselves, that it is only just to offer a helping hand. But in reality, they wouldn’t even think about this when they are on that situation.
Then four years ago, I started out on my career as a Chef. And there, in that world--the reality, I so to speak, I saw how cruel the world could be… and maybe that is just an understatement. So many people don’t care anymore or maybe they really do not care at all. So I’ve decided to lure myself on things I just wanted to see and convinced myself on the things what I’ve been believing ever since. Then and there, I stopped doubting at last. I continued doing good to people. I’ve carried out some of their bad days and stayed with them until it passes out. I pulled along the heavy burden some of them bears and walk with them until everything felt light. And then after carrying out most of people ‘s baggage and stuff with me and helping them out… there I found myself from the past years of my life looking up the sky and wondering, “Who’s going to carry out my luggage for me?”
Most of the time, I do feel better after helping someone out of misery… and that is pretty normal I guess. The feeling is triumphant after making someone smile at last. And even if I’m out of the radar and I don’t know what’s going on… it is just very surprising when people I know stare at me and shot me with that kind of look that makes my heart quiver… and there I found myself in the scene. I always do this… and I can’t avoid it. I tried to refuse sometimes but it felt so hard to do. Which comes first now?
Then from the past few months, I thought I am having a really good year already. But it wasn’t, reversals of fortunes is an unprecedented card in my game. I did equal amounts of good things and bad things to people and myself. I don’t deny it; I didn’t feel lesser admitting it. My long-running belief that “it is better to give than to receive” is just a sham. I worked so hard, earned some stuff, took some privileges out of life and helped out people along my way. Misfortunes happen… then and there I found myself so left behind from everyone. What went wrong this time? Have not I helped enough people or the piece of bread I shared to few individuals didn’t suffice their hunger? Or have not I loved myself more that I give away all of me to every people I decided to offer myself with? This is confusing me already. I am not for the reward, the acknowledgements, or anything in return… but I do hope for a good karma by the way. The thing is, right now, it felt so unfair already. You’d given yourself… you’d loved yourself… you did “equal” amounts of things from good and bad, but still, you are going back to that same place where you see what you saw when you was on grade school.
Now… I am going to ask you, which comes first? Chicken or egg?
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