OCD is kicking in. For the past months I feel lifeless. Or most likely I am bored. Life becomes routinary again. I am wasting lots and I am ignoring it. I confided myself each night thinking what is missing or what might be I am looking for.
I got what I'd asked for. A clean slate. A new life. On my own. By myself. The old me died long ago. Everyone knows me now as REDGE. My old self has been cast into shadows and still lurking the streets of Ortigas and back home. I don't know, maybe I am home sick. Or maybe not. There's lots of things running into my mind right now.
And yes, I've been seeing this guy for almost a month already. We aren't a thing, and we don't date. Because we should just been friends. But I am alwaysthinking about him, and he gets annoyed when I tell him that. Maybe ewe are just bound to be friends then. I miss him more though. Refraining from sending him foolish messages everyday is really hard especially to a person whobis much obsessive and compulsive like me. And I still keep on thinking about him. But I need to pretend that he is unreachable... Until we meet again after a few days. Lol. I can't fathom the fact that I might be falling really bad with this guy. Or I am just coward enough to tell myself that I feel in love again so fast to a stranger who will never give a damn to what I am feeling about him. Just saying. It's tormenting. And hard. Yet I need to to move on or nothing will happen. How I wish I could press a hold button each time we are together. I am happy when he is around. And he can't understand that he affects me so much in a good way but he, at the same time, takes a lot from me too. Hoping that by the end, I am not the one left hurting from this. Again, just saying.
Same time last year, things were really different. I was planning a new life ahead, here in Australia. Now, same day, I am contemplating the unbecoming of my plans. Financial debts are almost paid, i won't worry about it. Right now I want to deal with my spending schemes and the fact that I am not saving anything at all. I can't understand why I feel like I am not accomplishing anything. I am still in that same situation like last year. I should be thankful enough to what has happened for this year, good things really. Lots of it. But here I am restless with a notion that something is coming, and I won't like what is it, so I don't need to be surprised.
Me procrastinating should stop soon. It's not helping and I don't like it. I need to re-assess my life. My plans are still there, vague yet un-accomplished. I need to know what I really wanted or else I will just spiral down to the same reason and position why in the first place I decided tonleave everything and take-on a journey by myself.
I somewhat miss home. I worry about lots of the things I left back there. Lots of loose knots. I feel sorry that I wasn't able to fully completed my goals for this year. I made myself unreachable and detached from my old life. Now I don't have anything to return to. I only need to keep moving forward now. A good and bad thing. This is what I'd decided same time last year. Couple of weeks ago, I saw a falling star. So I wished. But not for myself. For someone. It's too bad that until now I haven't seen another falling star. I hope I would so I could wish for myself this time.
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