Unreachable

Up late and bored. Not a good thing especially if you got to work in a few hours. But still, I am awake and pressing down sentences to fill up a post. 

OCD is kicking in. For the past months I feel lifeless. Or most likely I am bored. Life becomes routinary again. I am wasting lots and I am ignoring it. I confided myself each night thinking what is missing or what might be I am looking for.

I got what I'd asked for. A clean slate. A new life. On my own. By myself. The old me died long ago. Everyone knows me now as REDGE. My old self has been cast into shadows and still lurking the streets of Ortigas and back home. I don't know, maybe I am home sick. Or maybe not. There's lots of things running into my mind right now. 

And yes, I've been seeing this guy for almost a month already. We aren't a thing, and we don't date. Because we should just  been friends. But I am alwaysthinking about him, and he gets annoyed when I tell him that. Maybe ewe are just bound to be friends then. I miss him more though. Refraining from sending him foolish messages everyday is really hard especially to a person whobis much obsessive and compulsive like me. And I still keep on thinking about him. But I need to pretend that he is unreachable... Until we meet again after a few days. Lol. I can't fathom the fact that I might be falling really bad with this guy. Or I am just coward enough to tell myself that I feel in love again so fast to a stranger who will never give a damn to what I am feeling about him. Just saying. It's tormenting. And hard. Yet I need to to move on or nothing will happen. How I wish I could press a hold button each time we are together. I am happy when he is around. And he can't understand that he affects me so much in a good way but he, at the same time, takes a lot from me too. Hoping that by the end, I am not the one left hurting from this. Again, just saying. 

Same time last year, things were really different. I was planning a new life ahead, here in Australia. Now, same day, I am contemplating the unbecoming of my plans. Financial debts are almost paid, i won't worry about it. Right now I want to deal with my spending schemes and the fact that I am not saving anything at all. I can't understand why I feel like I am not accomplishing anything. I am still in that same situation like last year. I should be thankful enough to what has happened for this year, good things really. Lots of it. But here I am restless with a notion that something is coming, and I won't like what is it, so I don't need to be surprised. 

Me procrastinating should stop soon. It's not helping and I don't like it. I need to re-assess my life. My plans are still there, vague yet un-accomplished. I need to know what I really wanted or else I will just spiral down to the same reason and position why in the first place I decided tonleave everything and take-on a journey by myself. 

I somewhat miss home. I worry about lots of the things I left back there. Lots of loose knots. I feel sorry that I wasn't able to fully completed my goals for this year.  I made myself unreachable and detached from my old life. Now I don't have anything to return to. I only need to keep moving forward now. A good and bad thing. This is what I'd decided same time last year. Couple of weeks ago, I saw a falling star. So I wished. But not for myself. For someone. It's too bad that until now I haven't seen another falling star. I hope I would so I could wish for myself this time. 

OCD in full

I can't sleep and found myself tuning on my old and dusting blog. I scrolled down to my drafted novel and started reading the chapters I did. I was amused with the literary I produced half-baked. So I am pursuing to continue THIS on the coming days. :) Finally I've seek the thing that I thought missing. 

Twenty-six and Free

Twenty-six and Free

You come around to a point where you just don't care anymore. 

To what people would say or what might society tells all.

You only consider the reasons you think you can recall. 

Or the reasons that makes you crazy and all. 

You meet some people and do good to them,

Only to find out that good isn't their nature as well. 

You would find it unfair but you can't live on that for too long. 

You just have to think that they are just gray in colour,

No space, no chance, and nothing at all. 

I am now twenty-six and who had guessed it would be like this. 

My life right now is blessed with grace and true friends. 

My life ever since was full of miracles and lovely people everywhere. 

And this is a point of my life that I was hoping for too long. 

Now it is happening and I am taking it all.

No dramas and bitching that will drive along.

No to hassles and people who are black clouds on the wall.

Saying no to wonders who are not shot to the Moon or the church in Rome.

Basically I believe that nothing happens with no reasons at all. 

Find it then before you stumble on a wrong fall. 

You keep your dreams and make it come true. 

Little steps everyday or leaping in fate would be better,

Rather lying around just waiting for your life to unfold. 

Be real, be bold, and make the wrong call.

Whatever you do, make sure you got the guts to stand for what you know. 

There would be no one liable to yourself,

So push it and kick ass like what they've said.

Life may be a cycle but that's how it was meant.

SLEEP-EAT-WALK then WORK and repeat again.

Be free and happy and make life BEST everyday. 

Cry and be sad because it is okay. 

Today is my day, the fourth of July once again. 

I am happy, so let's go and celebrate. 

I am free. :)

Twenty-Five and Steady

Twenty-five and Steady

Breeze over mountain as I leave yesterday behind.

Days were conquered, 365 and I was "then".

On this day we call it the "4th of July",

Yet this day ends as my fourth of July.

Memories reminisced but the years won't say much,

People like such were remembered, seconds have passed by.

I will tell again my story, or how epic the past year become.

I will recall the good things and leave the bad patches behind.

There were my old days when I cry and laugh,

There were the great days when I fought really hard.

Lifetime's a bliss I never wanted to end,

It was like everybody's spaghetti with a lot of twist and kicks.

As I wake to celebrate how special this day could be,

I will never know if more blessings there is for me.

I am thankful and I am just,

For all the goodness and the badness,

For all the triumphs and every fall,

And for the laughters and tear drops that I could recall.

Thank you to all the people who stood beside me no matter what,

Much more thanks to people who walked out of my life en pretend and never was.

Food, kisses, friends, and more journey to come.

RSVP on my invites as I tag everyone "fun".

Let's be this day and let us be forever,

Rainy o shiny, whatever comes around.

Today I turn twenty-five and the whole world around,

Today I change calendar and move everything aside.

I am a new person once again that people knows nothing about,

I will be the person like ever that everyone cares about.

As I grow and mature for better or for worse,

As I get older or younger for what is right or what's not.

I will live the life I intended to,

No more compromise... No more second thoughts.

I am now on the twenty-fifth year of my damn great life,

I now feel that things are great and getting steady here onwards.

REMISSION

                As we age, our body wears down; our appearances changes; and the way we deal with our everyday lives depended on how we take on it… lifestyle I guess. But is there really something we call “unexpected” if in every possible steps we do, we worry; and if in every words we say, we stay cautious. Now, what about this: considered that all your life you’d been struggling so hard… afterward someone you don’t know will just figured out that you are dying, how hopeless is that then?

                I took on this year with a lot of skepticism… I resigned on my high-paying job to get back on the life I had before that not knowing if I’ll able to pursue the same standards and qualification, and even the privileges, recognition, and benefits that my old position offered me for a year. I changed my perspective in life and planned an even higher stake for my life. I went from simple dreams that I hoped for almost all of my life then quickly took it out and replaced it with some whimsical possibilities of having a new life somewhere else, going abroad and living the life in just a matter of days and months. Is this what we call an early on-set life crisis? Or can I guess that this is just because of boredom and seclusion from a lot of things for a very long time?

                It is now almost five months since I came back; had a consulting project with a reputable company; celebrated with friends; and sent thoughtful gifts to my family. That was then… already a past tense. Now, what can I tell you… or maybe, how should I tell you? Is there any way to tell someone that you are afraid of letting go of your life even you accepted the fact of death for a very long time? And maybe, I did not prepared enough for this… and yes, I am afraid. My father was just diagnosed with leukemia. It sounded so hard to think but not so complex to accept. He lived a very unhealthy life, he smoked, sometimes he’s an alcoholic, he depended on fake facts of reality… so it never made it hard for me to realize if there’s any possibilities of he getting that disease. Am I afraid of letting him go? I am not. I am prepared… emotionally. I promised not to cry when that day comes.

                Remission… that’s what my family and I should be praying for. For my father to get well and get-out of that situation. But in this time, maybe that’s not what we should do. I miss “before”. I miss my childhood. I miss every morning when I quarrel with my sister on who’s taking care of our younger siblings and who’s going to take-on the chores. I miss how our parents treat us on a restaurant every weekend and also going to church with them on Sunday. I miss going to school when my father sends me off. I miss every night when I make a hot cup of coffee for my mother. I miss singing my younger brothers to sleep. I miss having my whole family under one roof. I miss myself… a happily and genuinely smiling me.

                When I was a child I though that when I grew old fast and take on an adult’s obligations and responsibilities, it will make me feel better and proud of myself… that’s quite true. But I never expected that it would be so tiring, sad, and lonely like this. Perhaps, life has its own compromise then. And as I did not expect that fact on my life, sometime, it is also hard to let go. Everyday, if talking about my present, every waking moment I put myself on silence before taking a whole another day of silence as well. After opening my eyes and gazing out my window to see if it is sun-shiny or wintry-cold outside, I start to feed myself with yesterdays’ events and start to think of how should I recover from those for this day. Everyday… every morning… I continuously convince myself… that everything and everyone has its own time.

                Am I afraid of letting everyone go? I am not.

                I am afraid of letting mine go.

                My father has leukemia… and subsequently, I might get the same fate in the future.

                Remission… that’s what I pray for.

CHICKEN OR EGG: WHICH COMES FIRST???

On these days wherein I found myself jobless and restless at the same time, I always do have a hard time figuring which comes first… is it myself before others or I should go on being a masochist and let be the sacrificial lamb for everyone’s sake? Which comes first… is it the chicken who lays the eggs or the eggs that hatches to become chickens?

When I was younger… in my grade school days, I never had any chance having this kind of doubt. I believed on what majority of us will do: “Go on… carry out someone’s baggage and help him out.” or “Helping is the most noble thing there is.” So I go on living, believing that it is better of a human giving himself more than taking something for himself instead. Then, I grew older and I saw more out of life. The world grew bigger as I increased my height and things changed so fast as I changed pace too. But it has been always the same belief for me ever since… nothing has changed at all. I kept myself blinded from the truth that not everyone looks after the other. I passed through my high school days being bullied and I myself was guilty on bullying some others as well, for fun, pride, and territory I guess. Then I went to college and experienced more things about life. I learned to play around like everyone does in my university… but I can’t stand a chance. I am not built for that kind of humanity. So I decided to take on a bigger world… I skip my bachelor’s degree to acquire a fast-paced learning and thrive on to something I really wanted to do. From these months I was on training and studying and working my way up… still I found exactly the same things. Why is it like that? People tend to fake themselves. They keep on telling and convincing others, and even themselves, that it is only just to offer a helping hand. But in reality, they wouldn’t even think about this when they are on that situation.

Then four years ago, I started out on my career as a Chef. And there, in that world--the reality, I so to speak, I saw how cruel the world could be… and maybe that is just an understatement. So many people don’t care anymore or maybe they really do not care at all. So I’ve decided to lure myself on things I just wanted to see and convinced myself on the things what I’ve been believing ever since. Then and there, I stopped doubting at last. I continued doing good to people. I’ve carried out some of their bad days and stayed with them until it passes out. I pulled along the heavy burden some of them bears and walk with them until everything felt light. And then after carrying out most of people ‘s baggage and stuff with me and helping them out… there I found myself from the past years of my life looking up the sky and wondering, “Who’s going to carry out my luggage for me?”

Most of the time, I do feel better after helping someone out of misery… and that is pretty normal I guess. The feeling is triumphant after making someone smile at last. And even if I’m out of the radar and I don’t know what’s going on… it is just very surprising when people I know stare at me and shot me with that kind of look that makes my heart quiver… and there I found myself in the scene. I always do this… and I can’t avoid it. I tried to refuse sometimes but it felt so hard to do. Which comes first now?

Then from the past few months, I thought I am having a really good year already. But it wasn’t, reversals of fortunes is an unprecedented card in my game. I did equal amounts of good things and bad things to people and myself. I don’t deny it; I didn’t feel lesser admitting it. My long-running belief that “it is better to give than to receive” is just a sham. I worked so hard, earned some stuff, took some privileges out of life and helped out people along my way. Misfortunes happen… then and there I found myself so left behind from everyone. What went wrong this time? Have not I helped enough people or the piece of bread I shared to few individuals didn’t suffice their hunger? Or have not I loved myself more that I give away all of me to every people I decided to offer myself with? This is confusing me already. I am not for the reward, the acknowledgements, or anything in return… but I do hope for a good karma by the way. The thing is, right now, it felt so unfair already. You’d given yourself… you’d loved yourself… you did “equal” amounts of things from good and bad, but still, you are going back to that same place where you see what you saw when you was on grade school.

Now… I am going to ask you, which comes first? Chicken or egg?

Bound for Another Voyage and MORE!!!

            “Where would be my next journey after this vacation ended???

What should I be doing after then???

What could be my purpose on my next sojourn???”

Questions keep on bugging me even from the beginning of what I am calling a “break”. I am now on my second undisturbed vacation but not technically a rest from all of it. I am surely taking this chance to recharge and unload. So far, though it’s boring for a lot of time, I am having enough opportunity to have a check and balance of myself, my family and our home, and also the surrounding I’ve missed for a year.

My project for my current client has ended last month and if I am going to review the results and the deliverables I’d had, I therefore conclude that I was able to commit on the deal I had with the company. It has been a truly rewarding experience, including the thrill and the perks, working with Fruit Magic. I managed to learn the aspect of a ‘quick service” set-up of the food industry. Another scope on my job has been added and another portfolio for my credentials was made. And to tell you the truth, I haven’t had enough and I planned so much for them but projects are still needed to be approved so I really needed to take a break and who knows, they might call again to continue having my service for them.

Anyways, I am considering of going back to a real kitchen operation after this craving for calmness and relaxation, though literally it is not what the latter generally meant. I have already found a good prospective employer and I am just waiting for the result of our meeting last week. If I’ll be given the chance of working with them, I will be pursuing my real objective for my career… that would be learning Italian cuisine. But still I am waiting for the “call”.

So here I am, taking my time to update this blog.

This year, 2011, is truly amusing for me. The first half of the year had given me so much I could ask for… and maybe too much I am expecting for. My birthday passed on a blink that I haven’t had enough time to celebrate my special day. But I am still thankful for another year of surprises, challenges, and learning. Though there are times that I feel so down because I’m incapacitated of doing and having what I want for the moment and the inability and being dependent gives me shrills of stress. Guess what? My Girbaud wallet is once again just an ordinary wallet. But I am not bothered with that anymore like what happened to me before. I don’t want to stress myself because of only not having financial capacity. I know this is just for now. Time and again, I’ll be somewhere. So I just forget about it.

Being at home for a lot of time changes again my daily routines. For a workaholic like me, most of my day is spent outside and majority of it is at work. I never had any decent vacation since I came back from Cagayan, so I think this is what I can call now my most awaited vacation. My day starts late-by the middle of the day. I preferred to wake up late because if I started as early as 7 o’clock in the morning, I’ll just bore myself by the afternoon. My life at home is very typical. Wake up. Brunch. Coffee. Clean the pantry. Exercise. Read anything. DVD. Net. TV. Prepare dinner. Eat dinner. Coffee. Write anything. Transfer recipes. DVD. Sleep. Until the next day again. See… how routinely is that? There are just some little fixes when something came up like if a friend of mine invited me to go out or if there are interview invitations. So generally, I am really getting bored already. I am too adventurous to stay at home for a very long time doing very few tasks. I hate having continuously repeating events day after day. But what else can I do, I am incapacitated for the moment. Just like what everybody hypocrite-ly says to take your time and appreciate what you are on right now… damn it! I am bored.

What makes it harder is the fact that you crave for so many but you don’t actually have any means to take on that. I get hungry every thirty minutes or so. Watching kitchen series and travel channels give me new ideas but then also gives me some irresistible cravings. I just finished watching Anthony Bourdain’s “No Reservation” and great it was for showing me several cultures of mostly westerners but damn it was for making me hungry for so many dishes it showed especially the freshly baked breads of French boulangerie and the bulky roasted steaks from a local restaurant also in France.

On another hand, I am planning to have this blog on an overhaul. I am a chef but this site never reflected that I am one. I always just babble about my miseries in life here. So I am thinking of putting my “tried and tested” recipes here. And more than that… I want to really transform this site on a much positive intuition by also incorporating what I consider my culinary life of the moment: the books I’ve read and still reading, the future plans for my career, actually almost everything. I think I missed the point of having a blog ever since I started doing this. And funny I was… I never “tagged” all post I have in here. So more than just of a de-loader of my stress… might as well function and share.

            So… what would be my first offering for this blog??? Ahm... hehehe, I really don’t know. I don’t have a solid plan yet.

             Right now, I am reading “1001 Foods to Die For” by Corby Kummer. I am re-reading it after skimming from front to back. So far, I got new ideas for my upcoming menu already. My knowledge for so many dishes was concentrated and maybe intensified after having the first hundred pages of this book. What I know before are just “facades’, the information on this book brought me to rears and attics of each dish. I am having mismanagement of my idle time right now because I have so many plans in mind. I missed my two weeks deadline for a review already so I am giving it another couple of weeks. Maybe after that I could already give a more decent feedback on this book.

            By the way, I made this muffin recipe the other day and I just wanted to share it to the public. The recipe is healthy with less sugar and less calories. So try this!!!

Recipe: BLUEBERRY MUFFIN

Yield: 18-20 pieces (1/3 cup portion)

*I always used to separate the ingredients into groups when writing a recipe so it is easier and more convenient on explaining the procedures.

*This recipe serves only 100 to 130 calories. (Based from BIGOVEN calculations)

Dry Mixture:

1 ¼ tsp Baking Soda

1 ¼ tsp Baking Powder

¾ tsp Iodized Salt

¾ tsp Cinnamon Powder

2 ½ cups Cake Flour (I recommend you also use a pancake mix for a softer and fluffier muffins)

Wet Mixture:

½ cup + 3 tbsp White Sugar

¾ cup Unsalted Butter

3 pcs Eggs

¾ cupButtermilk

1 ¼ tsp Vanilla extract

Other Ingredients:

250 grams Over-ripe Bananas

100 grams Blueberry

Toppings:

1 ½ tbsp White Sugar

1 tbsp Lemon Juice

1 tbsp Lemon Rind

1 ½ tbsp Butter

1 ½ tbsp Flour

Procedures:

Pre-heat oven at a temperature of 150°C while preparing the muffin batter.

Also, grease muffin molds then line with paper cups.

Sift together all dry ingredients then set aside.

On a mixing bowl, start creaming wet ingredients starting by mixing butter, sugar, and vanilla extract. When mixture becomes light and fluffy, add eggs one at a time. Then add milk .

On another mixing bowl, mash bananas then mix it with the creamed wet ingredients.

Fold dry ingredients into creamed mixture.

Add blueberry to the batter.

Spoon batter into muffin molds then top with streusel.

Bake it for 20-23 minutes.

Enjoy!!! ^_^